A Bio… Seriously…?

I didn’t think anyone actually read these things. But you’ve come here, haven’t you, so I do owe you a story. 

Here’s the thing. I haven’t much of a life to share with you. I could tell you I grew up in the Midwest, went to this college or that one, and went through a Bohemian phase in which I smoked unfiltered cigarettes and drank espresso from slightly cracked demitasse cups…  

But here’s the truth. I’m actually a very sophisticated algorithm. Brilliantly programmed, I am capable of delivering work that is Good, Fast, and Cheap — but choose not to. Because, let’s face it. Together, those three choices don’t all exist in the real world. And so... my coding will allow you to choose two, and only two, of the three. If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that’s more than generous and fair.

Rather than have a history that involves schooling or some industry experience, (and perhaps now I should speak of myself in the third person, as is standard for these things, so to that end…) Habeeb began his writing career as a result of *The Infinite Monkey Theorem. 

This standard notion posited that if a thousand monkeys were locked in a room with a thousand typewriters, they would eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. 

This was of course impossible for several reasons, perhaps, the greatest being that, like anyone in their right minds, monkeys would never decide to write by choice. Although, as a result of this idea, in a moment of boredom, a waggish software engineer took it upon herself to write a program that would simulate this experiment electronically. 

Click, click, clickity went the keys... And voila! There I was!


*When tested, this was disproven by The Simpsons.

"This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to mankind. Let's see... 'It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times'?! You stupid monkey!"

— Mr. BurnsThe Simpsons